ScrewLoose
by Randomus Prime
Summary: Being a doctor is a lot harder than people think, I believe Ratchet and Shockwave will agree. Mentions of slash, language and crack! Collaboration with Crescent-Moon-Demon.
1. Chapter 1

**_Screw-Loose_**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<br>**

**Well, boys and girls, here you go, the series my partner and I have been working on is finally posted! For the rest of them go check out Crescent-Moon-Demon's page (link in my profile) and read them ... What else are you gonna do? Buy a few Ick-Yaks from Swindle and teach them how to play the keyboard? Because I will want to join you …**

**Anyway, Screw-loose is basically our take on the way the transformers' doctor appointments would go (crack, yaoi, endoscopes, no Ick-Yaks). TFA universe.**

**We basically picked the names out of the bowl (we didn't have a hat) and eventually wrote these tiny appointments. Some of the material demanded a little more expansion so we have written a tiny bit extra as you will see. Also, we didn't do EVERY SINGLE character, why? Because we got other fanfics to write, that's why, plus, some of them are waaaaaaay too one dimensional to write anything about in the first place ... yes ... offense to TFA ...**

**Some of them will be named, some of them not, I hope you enjoy in either case. Here is the first one!**

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><p><strong>No Hard Feelings.<strong>

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><p>"Come in Mixmaster," Shockwave said with a heavy sigh, resting his helm on one of his arms, "what seems to be the problem?"<p>

"Ehm, Shocky, eh, ya think …"

"I would very much prefer if you called me Shockwave, Mixmaster. Please, continue."

"Yeh, eh, so, a few days ago me and Scrapper were workin' on one of them space bridges, all was cool and all 'till, ehm. Hey Shocky, ya think ya could allow Scrappeh in here? Ya know, 'cus ..."

"Shockwave. Sure, why not," Shockwave said, "I dare hope it will speed up this disheartening examination."

The Decepticon doctor walked up to the door and asked the other construction to come in.

"Uh, hey buddy. How ya holdin' up?"

"Th-thanks Shocky!"

"So, Mixmaster, what happened? Please do hurry. I still have Lugnut and Blacharachnia to tend to." He decided to give it up. Primus! Those Constructicons were incorrigible! Always with their nicknames!

"Yeh, so like I was sayin'. Me and Scrappeh were workin' on that space bridge when the the Autobots attacked…"

"Hm, you did come in close contact with them a number of times I understand."

"Yeh, then after all that stuff happenin', that is when Scrappeh noticed it."

"I didn' know what that stuff was and it was small at first but …"

"Eh but like a few days ago it turned all red and got biggeh and stuff. Would ya mind lookin' at it Shocky? It gets real itchy sometimes!"

"All right," with another sigh, Shockwave grabbed some tools and approached the two, "lie down on the berth and let me take a look at it."

"Ehm, Shocky, it is in … ehm … my 'downstairs' area if ya catch my drift …"

"Where is it located? Is it on your …"

"IT'S IN BETWEEN MY LEGS, OK?" Mixmaster begun shying away, "Ya dun have to drag the info outta me ya know."

"Indeed. I am afraid your barely existent intellectual prowess and inadequately developed brain in combination with your meager education would provide the data over to anyone who so desires for it."

"'Ey! Wuzzat supposed ta mean?"

"Yo, Mix! Chill! The sooneh he looks at it, the sooneh we leave; the sooneh we get ta work and get the oil."

"Nye, all right," Mixmaster said after staring for a few seconds at Shockwave's lone optic, "Just help me out here Shocky, will ya? No hard feelings, right?"

"If you could please lie down on the berth," Shockwave looked at Scrapper, "Are you sure you want Scrapper to be present during these procedures?"

"Yeh, I do."

"Indeed. All right then, let us proceed."

Shockwave began expecting the constructicon's crotch and thighs.

"Indeed there is something here. Oh! I see it spreads on your aft plates too. If you would be kind enough to get up, turn around, now bend over …"

"Hey, Shocky, ya sure ya know what ya doin'?"

"I performed open processor surgery with my bare servos -I assure you, you have nothing to worry about, Mixmaster."

"Ya hear that Mix? He's good!"

"I still got shivers goin' up my back struts."

After a few more minutes of investigation the red formations on the constructicon's aft, Shockwave with another sigh approached his desk and accessed the console.

"So, eh, Shocky, what's up? It ain't nothin' serious, is it?"

"Oh, it …" Shockwave paused for a moment. You could see the gears and circuits inside his head moving for a second there. The whole atmosphere around the Decepticon changed as his lone optic malevolently glinted, "… it is challenging to tell for certain without closer inspection."

"Wh-whaddaya mean? Shocky ya scarin' me!"

The acting medical chief approached one of the many cabinets, opened the doors and took out a huge device. It had a very long and thick cable attached to it.

"Eh, what the slag is that?"

"This would be an endoscope," Shockwave stood there for a few seconds, unwrapping the cable.

"An endo-wha?"

"An endoscope, Mixmaster. I require further inspection to identify your malady and understand how to treat it."

"So what does it do? What's the big wire fo'?" Mixmaster was quickly getting more terrified with every second.

"Oh, there is no need to worry, it will only hurt a bit. You are a tough Decepticon, aren't you?"

"Thank Primus I do not possess visible mouth components," Shockwave thought to himself.

"B-b-b-but Shocky …"

"Would you rather have me perform the procedure with my servos?"

When he said that he put the endoscope on the table and extended his arms as close to Mixmaster's aft but still in his range of vision, spreading his sharp claws as wide as he could for the constructicon to witness their potency.

"N-n-no tha's all righ'! Do it with that endo-thingy." Mixmaster felt a little coolant leak in between his legs.

"As you wish," Shocwave picked up the endoscope and approached the constructicon, his red optic twinkling from excitement of what was to come. "If you would be kind enough to lie down on your side, we shall begin."

"Eh, Shocky? Eh, have you ever used that thing?"

"No hard feelings, right?" The Decepticon said with the biggest grin in his mind.

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><p>Meanwhile in the hall.<p>

"Will you stop doing that?"

"Are you nervous too?"

"What do I have to be nervous about? I take care of my body!"

"But your organic half has a greater tendency to get sicknesses. Are you not afraid?"

"Three-face, I don't need you to care for me!"

"Even if you don't, if there is something wrong, Shockwave is probably the best out there. I heard he performs his treatment procedures with little to no pain …"

"AAAAAHHHHH!" the hellish scream from medbay had both Decepticons jumping up in surprise.

"… to the patient."

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**There you have it! The first one! Hope you enjoyed it, as you see there are more.**

**In order to read the full series you WILL need to go to Crescent-Moon-Demon's profile, link is in my profile. GO READ THEM!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing.**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Wreck-Gar_**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**It is actually kinda funny how I first came up with the idea. You see, I am learning to become a medical professional (nurse, doctor, whatever) and sometimes I imagine random funny things that can happen during appointments. This whole thing pretty much began with a joke:**

**Patient crawls into the office:**

**"Doctor! My legs have been blown off!"**

**"Walk it off ya sissy."**

**After telling that to C.M.D. we immediately agreed that TFA Shockwave would be the one to do something like this and so ... (to be continued)**

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><p>"Next!"<p>

This day was just plain out irritating from the start. First, he had to piece Bumbleebee back together, who just wouldn't get it into his thick little head that using boosters to roller-blade is not a good idea, especially not to go up the buildings from outside. Prowl got himself into a major beat down with Lockdown, again, but nothing Ratchet couldn't fix. Bulkhead's armor plating got bent when he accidentally "tripped over a pebble" and destroyed a whole city block. Fortunately, Optimus' appointment went smoothly without anything getting destroyed.

"I am Wreck-Gar! I am next!"

Taking in a deep breath, Ratchet prayed to the All-Spark not to explode into the junkbot's face like last time with the crazed malfunctioning garbage-consuming nanobots that nearly destroyed the whole town.

"What seems to be the problem, Wreck-Gar?"

"I am Wreck-Gar! I seem to have a problem!"

"So what is it kid?" The temptation to facepalm was growing exponentially greater with every line of conversation they exchanged.

"I am Wreck-Gar! I have joints that are hard to move! And they make screeching noises too!"

"Maybe if you cleaned yourself at least once in a while it wouldn't happen," the docbot thought to himself.

"All right kid, stand over here. I will see how oiled your joints are and whether there are any other problems."

"Ok! Do you need tools? I have lots of tools! I have blowtorches, screwdrivers, power saws, knives, an eggbeater …" Wreck-Gar took out a vibrating cone-shaped object with a thicker mushroom shaped end.

"THIS IS NOT AN EGGBEATER!"

"It-it's not?" Widening his eyes Wreck-Gar looked at the vibrating not-eggbeater in his servo, "Then what is it?"

"Trust me kid, you do NOT want to know," Ratchet used his super-charged magnets to throw the device in the incinerator. "There, now just be quiet. The faster we finish - the faster you can leave and do whatever it is that you usually do."

"I am Wreck-Gar! I will …"

With a sigh, Ratchet altered his sensors to tune out the junkbot's rambling to focus more on the screeching noises coming out of him when any of the joints were moved.

"Kid, imma gonna need you to lie down over here." The docbot glanced at Wreck-Gar's mouth and was content to see that as it moved, his sensors didn't register a single sound coming out of there.

After a few more minutes of close examination, Ratchet was finally able to identify the problem.

"Wreck-Gar," the docbot said as he tuned his sensors back to normal, "there is garbage in your joints."

"I am Wreck-Gar! I have garbage in my joints!"

"Yeap," Ratchet sighed, "There are two things we can do. I could remove the garbage with my magnets but I may miss some bits and pieces. The other thing that can be done is basically me taking you apart servo by servo, boiling you in a water solution with 75% alcohol content mixed with sulfuric acid, and running you through a drier that I had to improvise using the incinerator. That last one will actually save a lot of time but is less … pleasant … to put it lightly. It's up to you kid, not like I got more youngbots with their silly booboos for me to fix."

"Hm, this is an arguable question. I will use this thing to help me decide!"

Ratchet always wondered how the junkbot was able to fit all that garbage in his backpack and was always surprised with the most random of things Wreck-Gar pulled out of it. This time was no exception as well. Now it was the CMO's turn to widen his eyes as his youngbot patient took out a huge Soundwave toy.

"What the …"

"FLY FLY ROUND AND ROUND YOU GO~!" Wreck-Gar randomly pushed a few buttons on it and as it was playing, he took it by the arms, spinning the toy like crazy. Parts and bits of it began breaking off, flying all over the room and destroying lots of the docbot's new equipment "taken" from Sentinel's ship.

"WILL YOU SIT YOUR AFT DOWN!" Ratchet finally exploded after a few astroseconds of major twitching on his face. The CMO activated his magnets, grabbed the Soundwave toy causing Wreck-Gar to lose his balance, meaning to throw it in the incinerator but the junkbot collided with the docbot, knocking both of them to the floor with a loud crash.

"GET OFF ME!"

"All right Bumblebee, is Wreck-Gar in there?"

"Yes, bossbot."

"Who is next?"

"Eh, I think …"

"FLY FLY ROUND AND ROUND YOU GO~!"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"WILL YOU SIT YOUR AFT DOWN!"

"What's going on there?"

"Slag if I kn…"

Upon hearing the loud crashing noises the two bots jumped and ran to the door but immediately stopped once they heard the next 3 words.

"GET OFF ME!"

"Maybe we should leave them alone." Optimus Prime said after an awkward pause.

"Ratchet and Wreck-Gar? Seriously?"

"I am Wreck-Gar! I will get off of you!"

The CMO lost whatever little patience he had.

"Kid, that is it! I am gonna disable your …" Ratchet put his hands up, getting ready to activate his magnets but instead of a pink beam shooting out from the tips, a cloud of puff and smoke coughed out.

It got so quiet; you could hear Starscream's brain coming up with another assassination plan all the way on the moon.

"I am …"

"AAAAAAHHH!"

Scared brickless for his spark, Wreck-Gar tried escaping through a window but Ratchet caught the poor junkbot and with a speed that would have made even Blurr jealous, the medbot took Wreck-Gar apart; threw all the pieces into a huge bucket, filled it with the cleaning solution and set it on an already searing hot stove, quickly boiling Wreck-Gar. Still pumped full of cyberdrenalin, Ratchet didn't bother draining the solution, turning the improvised drier to maximum capacity he put Wreck Gar in there and locked the door.

"Those slagging youngbots!"

Taking a few minutes to calm down, Ratchet grabbed the bucket full of Wreck-Gar out of the machine and opened the door to the hall.

"What are you looking at?" Ratchet asked his soon to be patients as he put the bucket just outside the door, "NEXT!"

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><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**The second appointment and a whole lot more to go! Do not forget that C.M.D. has the rest. Oh, and don't forget! Steroids on water-melons!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Prowl_**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**... we started thinking about that situation and imagining others in medical distress. Ratchet and Shockwave of course became our two doctor's (unfortunately for them) and then we began coming up with random things that they would go through. We quickly got to the point where we decided to write a fanfic about it and not too later, a whole series. I wouldn't be able to do all of them by myself so after a little "convincing", C.M.D. graciously agreed to help a poor beginner fanfic writer out ...**

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><p>"… so let me get this straight. You used your …"<p>

"Uh-huh."

"… to enlarge your …"

"Uh-huh."

"Prowl, honestly, I don't know what to say," the docbot said after an awkward pause, "I would expect something like this from Bumblebee or Sentinel but not from you!"

"I realize my mistake," Prowl said with a twitching optic sensor, "can or can you not fix it?"

"Oh you young bots, always trying out all these crazy things without THINKING OF THE CONSEQUENCES!" and with a grunt Ratchet turned to his table to grab some tools.

Sitting at the berth, Prowl decided to suck up the medbot's oncoming speech about young bots and how they do not know anything, blah blah blah …

"… like that time with all the modifications," the CMO continued to mock the ninjabot, "Ooo! Look at me! I can do this and that and this with that! And what happened in the end? Nearly got yourself offlined! That's what!"

"Breathe, just breathe. Stillness, stillness," Prowl thought to himself restraining his desire to talk back to Ratchet. He was right, on a number of occasions Prowl lost his head, almost losing his spark. Not a day passed that he did not remember those events.

"All right, can you lie down on your back? This will take a little while."

The whole deal with Yoketron's helmet was already dangerous enough and …

"You know kid, out of all the young bots we got on the crew, I like you best."

Prowl did not know how to react to this. Widening his optics, the ninja bot looked at Ratchet.

"Dun ya look at me like that! You have caused the least damage so far and you rarely lose your head."

Still with his optics wide, the ninjabot laid his helm once more onto the berth. Well, it was true... Bumblebee always rushes into things without stopping to think and Bulkhead is, Bulkhead, for the lack of better description. How else could you put it?

"… but when you do lose your head, oh sweet serving of slaggin' energon in a pub …"

Hm, that was very true too. Lockup, for example …

"Ow!"

"Oh! Sorry kid. Slaggin' Cybertron! Why would you ever use something like that to …"

"I was drunk, all right?"

"Huh?" Now it was Ratchet's turn to widen his optics.

"I was …" Prowl took a deep breath, "… drunk. Bumblebee spiked my drink."

"Oh Primus!," the CMO said, facepalming.

"… and things got a little … out of control …"

"A LITTLE out of control? Ya, just a LITTLE! It's not like the problem got bigger!" Ratchet raised his hand to point at …

"… and we all thought it would be funny to …"

"It is a good thing that Sari is the appropriate human age! Don't you realize how badly we would all look if something like THAT got out in the media? Slaggin' Primus!"

"Yes, I know," Prowl said, clenching his dental plates.

"I can guess all the rest."

"It is kind of small now, but it can get so big that I can't walk."

"Well, I should be thankful then," Ratchet replied, grumbling. "How kind of you to 'make' it smaller before you get here. Don't you realize that you can go offline if that thing …" Ratchet paused and looked at it, " … grows."

"Yes, I know."

"Prowl, next time you are going to 'have fun' with your body like this, you come to me. You understand?"

"Yes," Prowl turned his head the other way, looking through a window at the gorgeous day outside.

For a few minutes both remained silent; Ratchet doing his work still, grouching something under his intakes, something about the Great War, young bots these days, the Jettwins and age.

"All right, I got good news and bad news fer ya."

"What is it? Start with bad news."

"Good news is that we are almost done. Bad news – the last bit will hurt like slag and I can't have ya moving around too much, so I will be tying you up to the berth."

"Can't you just disable my joints?"

"Eh, kid, it is not that simple, I am afraid that it may cause a negative electron feedback loop in your circuitry and I don't have to tell ya how dangerous that can be."

"No, you don't," Prowl said without twitching a single face component.

"Ok kid," Ratchet was finally done fastening the restraining belts, "just try not to move as much and we should be fine. I will begin in three, two, one …"

"Stillness," the ninjabot thought to himself, "Stillness. I am a cat hunting for prey. Stillness. I am a preying mantis awaiting ambush. StillneAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. STILLNESS! STILLNESS! !"

"Thank you, Ratchet."

"You are welcome kid."

"You know," Prowl turned to the CMO as he opened the door out of the medbay, "I would have to say that you too are my favorite amongst the group. Your experience and skills are truly worthy of respect."

"Thanks kid." Ratchet wanted to turn back to his desk but turned back to Prowl, seeing as he was about to close the door and said, "Oh! Hey! Prowl! Next time – don't use your process over matter technique to make your spike bigger."

"WHAT?"

"Optimus Prime, Ultra Magnus, I can explain … somehow …"

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**Third appointment! How ya feeling? Wanna stretch your legs? Wanna stop rolling on the floor laughing out loud? WELL YOU CAN'T! WHY? BECAUSE THERE IS MORE!**

**Hope you enjoyed it. C.M.D. has the rest of them.**

**A big thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing.**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Wheeljack**_

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><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... AND SO ... Crescent-Moon-Demon and Randomus Prime embarked on an epic journey of writing fanfiction! Except that we didn't ... you see, we had a hard time deciding who would get whom. You see, both of us called dibs on some characters at practically the same time and others were more suited for just one of us, for example, Starscream and The Clones for C.M.D. and Grimlock for me. We tried talking it out but it just ended up with us coming up with more fanfic ideas ...**

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><p>"… how many times am I supposed to put you back together from all your slagging, scrap-heap, dumbnut crazy inventions exploding in your face?"<p>

"But I thought it was …"

"YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO PUT WEAPON GRADE PLUTONIUM AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR OIL IN AN EARTH VEHICLE!"

"But …"

"Because of you, I no longer have any more pain killers, antiseptics, cleaning solution, spare plating …"

"Oh come on! It is not like I did it on purpose!"

"YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING ON PURPOSE!" Ratchet slammed the engineer's leg onto the berth, roughly reattaching it to the main body, "SLAGGING STUFF JUST EXPLODES."

"The readings gave me a green light …"

"THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU A GREEN LIGHT! Like that time you made my magnets into egg-beaters!"

Oh, yes. Wheeljack remembered very well what happened on that day.

"… or like that time your little experimental maidbot "accidentally" switched normal glass with nitroglycerin glass in everybody's quarters …"

Another not-so-pleasant experience and after effects.

"… I am not even gonna mention when you made that wormhole that lead to another dimension and brought in the younger Cybertron that nearly collided with ours!"

"… but each time we manage to solve the problem and make advances in technology!"

"Wheeljack," Ratchet said after screwing the engineer's chest plate back, "you alone have put the whole universe in more danger than a trillion Megatrons would each with their own All-Spark. Like when you completely drained whatever the All-Spark fragments we gathered and put all that energy into Ultra Magnus' hammer."

There goes the beautiful planet Nebulos, 4 adjacent star systems, 6 asteroid fields and 2 black holes.

"… but …"

"Urgh, Wheeljack," the CMO said as he slowly reattached the engineer's arms, "to be honest, I have no slagging idea what you are doing in the engineering department. I am not saying that you are a bad influence or anything. No, you are right. Our science has advanced thanks to you," Wheeljack looked at the medbot, widening his optics, "it is just that I am afraid that you are gonna get yarself killed! You are not a kid anymore! You should, I dunno, be able to foresee some things? It is bad enough that I have to put you together servo by servo, literally," Ratchet welded the engineerbot's leg joint back, "but you can't keep on doing this!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE YOU DROPPED A SELF REPLICATING TORPEDO INTO THE SEWAGE SYSTEM THAT'S WHY! For months the whole city was covered in …"

"Stop yelling at me! I feel bad enough as it is!" Wheeljack said covering his face with his one working servo.

"Yeah, you're right; sorry," Ratchet replied with a sigh lowering his head and immediately bringing it back. Was Wheeljack crying?

"Um, Wheeljack?"

"Yea?"

"Is something wrong?"

"No," the sobbing engineer said, "nothing is wro…"

"Just spill it! Doctor-patient confidentiality!"

"Fine," Wheeljack said after a few astroseconds, raising his head and revealing coolant richly leaking through his optic sensors, "no, not everything is all right. Everything is wrong."

"Huh?"

"It was not supposed to be like this! None of it!"

"I-I am sorry."

"… and he just won't budge!"

"Eh, who?"

"Brushing everything off with his apathy and removing parts of his emotional programming! All for science!"

"Wait, wha?"

"We were friends since we were protoforms! And he won't even consider going out for a cup of oil or energon!"

"Eh, I dun think I am following ya."

"I have been trying to woo him and show my affections for millions of stellar cycles now, and for what? I get "Wheeljack, bring me the blueprints please." In a Steven Hawkings voice?"

"Um …"

"You know why I got into engineering?"

"You like seeing things explode?"

"Ha ha. I got into it because I wanted to be closer to him, to be by his side! I am working with him and there is barely anything coming from his end other than orders! This is not fair!"

"Maybe if you …"

"Yes, maybe he does care for me but is just shy or afraid of getting hurt!"

"Errrr…"

"Oh Primus! I know what I have to do! Thanks Ratchet! Bye!"

"Bye?" The CMO finally said after a few seconds of silence in the medbay. Trying to shake off a whole cycle's stress, he sat down, activated a communication link and said, "Optimus? Yes, we should leave. NOW!"

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**There you go, kids! Yet another one! Why are you reading so slow? WHY? READ ... FASTER ... but do mind stretching first ... and take out your spleen ... the funny stuff is only coming, this is just a mere warm up!**

**More on C.M.D.'s profile, link is in mine, go check them out. **

**Thanks to C.M.D. for spleen-splittingly reviewing it and editing.**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Optimus Prime_**

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><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... we tried resolving the issue of who gets whom but only found ourselves in only more ... um ... desire to do them ... (the other way too). I got a few ideas ready more or less, kinda jotted them down and planned out a few but I never really got down to writing them because it wouldn't be fair to C.M.D. since, again, she wanted to do some of the characters. At some point we finally came up with the solution ... Russian Roulette ... except two problems: we were on msn and I forgot my guns back in Russia ...**

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><p>"Well Prime, I hope that teaches ya, dealing with Blackarachnia."<p>

"Ratchet, I cannot give up on her!"

"Prime! Every time you cross her, you end up getting your aft served!"

"She left the antidote for Prowl and Bumblebee!"

"Optimus, I ain't saying there is no hope for her even if she is a Decepticon …"

"I abandoned her!"

"And you think she will forgive you for that?" Ratchet turned to his table and began mixing random fluids and chemicals together.

With a grunt, the firetruck looked away and stared at one of the medbot's many tools on one of the shelves. He wanted to make it right, he wanted to fix this whole slagging situation so bad but he couldn't; he didn't know how.

"Listen Optimus. What Elita One has become is due to a severe trauma. She trusted you …"

"Yes, she trusted me. I should have stopped Sentinel in the tracks."

"Are you gonna beat yourself up for EVERY bad thing happening, Prime? Huh? Some things are just beyond our control, no matter what you do."

"But I WAS in control! I was the Senior Cadet! I had authority over them! I could have ordered them to go back!"

"And Sentinel could have kept his mouth shut FOR ONCE. And Elita One could have refused too …"

"Ratchet, you …"

"See how easy it is to assign blame? Sentinel never cared for your authority! He should have! He fragging nearly put Bumblebee in prison and is still chasing Wasp!"

"Th-that's beyond the point! I …"

"Prime, you can't take all the pain in the world on yourself! Granted, it is a noble wish but that road leads to destroying yourself! We all have made mistakes that haunt us to this day. We all could have done something differently to completely avoid that happening but …"

"I should have gone back for her!"

Ratchet sprung from his chair and jumped into Optimus Prime's face.

"ARE WE STILL DOING THIS?"

The two stared at one another for a few astroseconds.

"It-it's just," with a sigh Optimus brushed his hand across his faceplates, "it just gets … hard."

Ratchet sighed as he took a step back. Suddenly, with a corner of his optic sensor he noticed something shine on the leader's hand. Taking a closer look, the CMO's optics widened as he thought that he figured out why Optimus was behaving this way.

"Prime," he slowly said, "there is a lot more to this than you say, isn't there?"

"Wh-what? What do you mean?" the mech said every word separately.

"You and Elita One, you two didn't …" Ratchet began the sentence with a cautiously curious look, as he brought his hands closer together, about to make a crude hand gesture.

"Ratchet, please, let's not do this," the Autobot said with a wavering voice.

"Oh! Prime! Holy slagging Primus and Cybertron!"

"Let's just drop it, all right?" Optimus was trying to get through the sentence with as straight of a face as possible.

"All right," Ratchet said after a long awkward pause, raising his hands, "all right, you are right. Let's drop it …"

"Th-thank you."

"… for now. And don't give me that look! As your acting Chief Medical Officer I will set up a number of appointments for counseling and we will keep doing this until you are ready to talk about it."

"B-bu…"

"Optimus, I am not going to pry information out of you but if you keep bottling all this up, and never get it off your chest plate, it will eventually destroy you."

"Ratchet …"

"So, until we discuss it, until we are finished discussing it, we will be doing this."

"I see."

"Yeah. Oh look! Your medicine is done!"

"My what now?"

"Your medicine." The medbot poured a very viscous fluid from a metal container to a huge plastic one, to which he then handed it to his leader. "Before recharge just spread this over the areas that hurt." Ratchet said as both walked towards the door.

"Eh, all right. This will make it go away?" Optimus asked opening the door.

"Well, Prime, it may take a while and it may hurt a lot at first, and it may take a few stellar cycles but in the end it should definitely make it all go away eventually. That's mutated techno-organic herpes for ya."

"OPTIMUS HAS WHAT?" a girly voice echoed all over the Autobot base.

"Hey, Prowl, Bulkhead, what are herpes?"

"Bumblebee, I am afraid that we would really not want to know this."

"Hey, guys? Aren't herpes those mythical Earth creatures with bodies of both Earth female and bird?"

"Oops, sorry Prime."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**There you have it! One more chapter in this series completed! Oh, just wondering, did you ever laugh out your organs? You didn't? Keep reading and you will, I do not guarantee it! Swindle does ...**

**Please, go read the rest on C.M.D.'s profile, I am not begging you because you should do it regardless! I do NOT have the complete series! Stop being so lazy! Why are you so lazy? You want to make me cry? FINE! I am crying! See?**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for graciously editing and reviewing.**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Jazz**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**...but the idea of Fate and Destiny deciding it for us stuck. I tried looking for some sites that would allow that but I didn't find anything because, well, there was nothing. AND SO ... we decided to wait until we meet up next time. We waited ... and wrote fanfiction ... and laughed our asses off ... and I cried a little bit because C.M.D. wrote some awesome angst. I don't get why a lot of people do not like angst! Without angst, you got no story! Without a problem, you have no plot, no evolution of characters! Just like without the cheese, you can't have a good pizza. In any case, we waited ...**

* * *

><p>"Oh! Hey Jazz! Nice to see you here!"<p>

"Wutup Bumblebee? Maaaan, I am diggin' this planet!"

"Really! Great! What have you seen so far?"

"Bulkhead and Sari were kind 'nuff to show me a round a bit and I like what I am seeing. Oh yeah!"

"Did they show you video games?"

"Video games?"

"Great slagging All-Spark! You don't know? Well allow me, your humble servant, to give you a formal introduction!"

"Crazy!"

In the millions of stellarcycles of medical practice, Ratchet witnessed a lot of things, healed a lot of wounds and cured thousands of malignancies; but now, staring at Jazz in the medbay, he didn't know how to react.

"Docbot! I am sorry man! I tried using my health potions but all I had was a gold coin and it didn't do anything!"

"Um …"

"Then I tried gettin' mushrooms to get bigger to defeat Zorc and get my loot back but Diablo got in the way! Crazy!"

Ratchet was at a lost as what to do, processor still trying to understand the situation. What the slag was wrong with him? Had someone tampered with his personality programming and circuits?

"I wanted to cast Cone of Cold but I was all out of mana! Can you imagine that? And then I ran out of stamina so I couldn't capture him because I ran out of pokeballs! And I needed to construct additional pylons! Crazy!"

"Yes. Crazy."

"So docbot, you got any Broc Flower? I need to make some Healing Powder!"

"Kid, I think you are gonna need a lot more than flowers to fix you," Ratchet finally figured it out. Yes, he dealt with something similar before, twice with Bumblebee.

"Which is why I am making the Healing Powder!"

Ratchet really hated doing this the third time but he had no choice. He had to do something he hated equally as much as apologizing. He had to role play.

"Kid, you can't see it but, um, Diablo cast a spell on you."

"Um, Diablo can't cast spells docbot."

"That's what he wants you to think."

"Say what? Crazy!"

"Yeah," Ratchet said, looking at Jazz, "crazy."

"So what kind of a spell is it?"

"Eh, I dunno kid. This is a new one to me. I will have to examine it more closely. Lie down on the berth, this may take a while."

"Are you sure it is safe?"

"Wha?"

"Sure we may be in camp and we got all the guards but what if there is a raid? The Horde is still out there!"

"Relax kid, nobody is gonna attack us, we got Ultra Magnus. Besides, the faster you get on that berth, the faster I will examine you, cure you, then get you out of here so you can continue your noble quest." The last two words Ratchet had to push out with all his willpower.

"Hm, all righ'! You gonna need any payment docbot?"

"No, free of charge. Just lie down quick!" Ratchet was beginning to pray for this to end. Sometimes the CMO was wondering whether the Great War was something the All Spark had him go through, a prequel, to somehow prepare him for the horrors he had to face here on Earth.

"Where the slag is the slagging reset function?" The medbot wanted this to be over as quickly as possible.

"Hey, docbot, anything I can …"

"Hey kid." Ratchet suddenly got an idea which, if it worked, would be just plain out nice. "I just noticed, the spell grows in strength the more you," the CMO paused quickly overlooking the details and then continued, "The spell grows stronger the more you communicate with other people. Try to be quiet; I do not want to tempt fate to see how powerful it can get. Understand?"

"Craaaaaaazy," Jazz thought to himself as he nodded, " craaaaaaazy."

Greatly relieved that the ninjabot was finally silent and that he no longer had to keep up with the whole role playing thing, Ratchet returned to his task

"Ah! There it is! The memory reset! All right, let's just set it back a little while ago aaaannnnndddd … wait …. What the slag?"

The CMO looked at all the memory backups only to discover that they were named either "quicksave" or something along the lines of "TheCutePikaJazz_001". With a shiver crawling up his spinal struts, Ratchet checked again and again, with every second feeling the coolant liquid slowly make its way up to his optic sensors.

"Um, kid, for how long have you been, um, questing?"

"Hm, lemme think. About 34 cycles."

"THIRTY FOUR CYCLES? BY THE ALL-SPARK! WHY THE SLAG DID YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR THAT LONG?" Ratchet felt like he was about to explode, he was already tipping on the edge.

"Hey, docbot."

"WHAT?"

"BAZINGA!" Jazz yelled out, just as Ratchet heard Bumblebee begin laughing his aft off in the hall. Then the ninjabot sprang from the berth, and together with the minibot, cheesed it down the hall, running past Bulkhead.

"Hey Ratchet, what was that all about?"

For a few moments the CMO kept standing there with his optics twitching like mad. Then he walked to one of his counters, entered the lock combination and took out the Magnus Hammer. It seemed as if the clouds had covered the sun, casting a malevolent shadow over the medic; making his eyes glow evil red for a second as he said :

"PvP hunt, it's newb season."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

* * *

><p>"Ahahahaha! That was hilarious!"<p>

"Oh man, I should definitely prank people more now. You don't think we went a little too far with it, do ya?"

"No, don't be ridiculous, it's Ratchet! He loves pranks! Wait, why did it suddenly get darker?," Bumblebee asked as a huge shadow came over the two Autobots. Looking back they saw a figure standing silhouetted against the sun, with glowing, narrowed eyes and holding the Magnus Hammer.

"My hammer -it has unlimited ammo, newbs."

"Meep."

* * *

><p>P.S. Bulkhead soiled himself … twice …<p>

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**What was that? YET ANOTHER appointment? My, yes indeed, silly old chaps! Quite indeed! If you have any complaints, go talk to Swindle, he gives out free baby Ick-Yaks ... well ... throws them in your face and they eat out your optics ... but they are cute and cuddly on the other hand!**

**C.M.D. has the rest, make sure you read her part of the series or you will get baby Ick-Yaks in your mail.**

**Thank you C.M.D., very much, for editing and reviewing.**


	7. Chapter 7

**_Ultra Magnus_**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... and waited ... and waited ... until I got tired of waiting and just kept waiting. You see, the problem with life is that no matter what you do, write fanfics, play World of Warcraft, play actual video games, there will be this little thing nagging its way into your world. Anybody care to guess what this thing is? Well, I don't think that anybody who reads this stuff has it ... it is called ... a life. C.M.D. kept getting occupied by her job (dude, seriously, go find another job! I am WILLING to help!) and I was not readily available all the time because of my job ... did I just see a spleen fly by? In any case, finally, we managed to meet up ...**

* * *

><p>The worst part of the day is the morning. First, you have to come online, then you have to perform a multitude of mandatory diagnostics and then you have to get up- but the fun doesn't end there! There is also the matter of Ratchet being the Chief Medical Officer, meaning that he had to get up earlier than everybody else to perform extra checks; have everybody running to him with their booboos, whining like little protoforms, all of which made Ratchet wonder how the slag they were ever able to stand up to Megatron so many times, and stay online.<p>

Ratchet pushed himself to the limit to get off the berth, grabbed a cup of oil to somehow wake up and began preparing for yet another slagalicious day of everyone coming to him with their silly problems.

"Jazz to Autobot Base on Earth, Jazz to Autobot Base on Earth- please respond!"

"Urgh," Ratchet used his free hand to open up the commlink, rubbing his optics he answered, "Jazz, this is Ratchet. What's going on?"

"Ratchet! Good! There is …," Jazz coughed, "… a medical emergency."

"Tell Sentinel to stop using the vacuum cleaner to ma…"

"No, um, Ratchet, um, it's Ultra Magnus."

"Wh…," the medbot completely woke up, "What? Ultra Magnus?"

"Yeah. Is everybody still asleep?"

"Yes, I will wake them up imme-"

"NO!"

"What?" Ratchet turned back to the monitor, widening his optics, "What?"

"Um, Ratchet, it will be much, much better if you keep all this as humans say 'under the table', or secret."

"All right. What's going on?"

"Can you get everybody off the base on patrol or something?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just trust me on this one."

"Remember what happened last time I …"

"Bumblebee said that you would like it!"

* * *

><p>"All right. Everybody is gone, bring him in."<p>

"We'll be there in astroseconds."

Ratchet was pacing around the medbay trying to calm himself and refraining from pondering what had problem had arisen with Ultra Magnus. What the slag happened? What was with all the secrecy? Something wasn't right...

"Wow, man,these halls, they are so, like, brown," a strangely familiar voice said.

"What the slag?" Hearing the steps coming down the hall, getting closer to the medbay, Ratchet stopped. An uneasy feeling had been looming over the Autobot ever since the communiqué. Now after hearing that in the hall, his mechanical heart began pumping fluids faster and faster with a scary chill creepily crawling all over his body. He knew how slagged up things could get... the CMO just knew...

Finally the door opened and through it Ultra Magnus came in, with the widest set of optics Ratchet ever saw on any bot; mouth slightly opened and a weird expression on his facial plates as he leaning heavily on Jazz.

"Oh look!" Ultra Magnus pointed at the medbot and sang with a grouchy, "It's The Doctor! Oh my spark! It is The Doctor! FLYYYYYYY MEEEE TOOOOO THEEEEE MOOOOON!"

* * *

><p>"Oooooooh, my head!" Ratchet was slowly coming back online, "What happened?"<p>

"Docbot man, you fainted."

"From wh…," the memory came back to him as he was interrupted by Ultra Magnus.

"Stop moving the Earth! SLOW IT DOWN!"

* * *

><p>"Dude, this flower thing is, like, so like ghetto maaaan." The Autobot leader said looking at a model of a human heart, a present from Sari to Ratchet.<p>

"So how did this happen?," Ratchet started, trying to ignore the Elite Guard commander.

"Why do I carry a huge eggbeater around with me all the time and why won't anything fit in it?"

"Well, Ultra Magnus asked me to show him around the country to get to know Earth's ways of life better and see if Cybertron could adapt something."

"Uh-huh. Oh! So he is no longer scared of organics?"

"Holy cow! This berth is so fluffy and readable! How? How does it do that?"

"Yes," Jazz answered. "So we drive around when suddenly we saw smoke. Of course we go there to check it out and a hangar is on fire so we help out."

"Did I always have antennas on my head? Wicked!"

"The smoke smelled crazy, like crazy weird but we didn't give it much processing. I stayed outside getting people to safety and Ultra Magnus ran inside to get everybody else out."

"Hey Celine Dion! Your incinerator won't flush!"

"He did? Wow. What happened next?"

"Why do my feet taste like Rodimus' angst?"

"The big guy walks out of the hangar all like …" Jazz pointed at the Autobot Supreme Commander, "… this."

"Hey guys! When is the Polar Express coming? I want my pony back!"

Ratchet sighed. By the All-Spark! Earth was never boring, unfortunately.

"I tried asking the humans what the deal was but they were long gone. Any idea what is going on?"

"Well, I definitely can see why you decided to keep this a secret. It was the right thing to do. Good job."

"Thanks. So, what is it?"

"You see, human societies call these things "drugs". They are illegal for consumption because of certain damaging effects they have on the human body."

"Like what? And why would they take something like this knowing that it will damage them?"

"Like marijuana, which that smoke probably was. Oh, various reasons, mainly loneliness and escape of reality."

"But …"

"Kid, I can enlighten you more on the subject later but we got work to do and where did Ultra Magnus go?"

"Huh?"

* * *

><p>"WEEEEEE!"<p>

* * *

><p>"WHERE IS ULTRA MAGNUS?"<p>

"HOLY SLAG!"

"Wait! Did you just feel that?"

"Yes! He can't be too far away!"

"QUICKLY FOR THE LOVE OF CYBERTRON!"

The two Autobots transformed and quickly gave chase after the Supreme Commander, praying to Cybertron for this situation to be resolved as soon as possible. A few astroseconds later, they finally got to where they felt the vibrations and …

"What …"

"…the …"

"… slag …"

Ultra Magnus, the Supreme Autobot Commander that thousands of times proved himself to be one of the most powerful Cybertronians to ever exist -the giant that ended the great war with a triumphant Autobot victory; one of the most feared machines across the universe whose name alone struck fear in the sparks of Decepticons everywhere- he suspended himself off a highway bridge, eating balloons, crying, finger painting with garbage and singing "Caramell dansen".

"WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING BLITZWING? AND WHY IS HE SO DAMN TASTY?" Ultra Magnus interrupted himself shoving another load of balloons in his mouth.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Did you like that? I certainly hope you did, I feel so ... weird ... after writing these. I dunno why but it gives me great satisfaction that at the very least there is at least one person laughing at it (Thanks you C.M.D. for laughing and editing and reviewing!)**

**Tired? Want to stop reading? Want to go eat or sleep? Introducing a new product, Swindle's Un-Sleeping Pills! Side effects may include loss of brain function, turning you into a transformer, cause intense pregnancy from Starscream and birth of cute twins ... blah blah blah you are note even listening! FINE! GO get pregnant from Starscream ...**

**The rest is on C.M.D.'s profile, go check it out.**


	8. Chapter 8

**_Megatron_**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... but at first we kinda forgot about it because it was a party kind of setting and we haven't seen many people in a very long time. What was supposed to turn into a party actually turned into ... um ... not a party ... to put it lightly. Eventually we remembered what we had to do so C.M.D. took a piece of paper and we discussed who we want to write about and who is doing whom for sure (Starscream + clones to C.M.D. and Grimlock for me), after we got the list together, ripped it up, took a bowl from chips and drew the names. A friend of ours kept asking us what it was for ... I think we scared the ever-living slag out of her with our reactions when we drew the names ...**

* * *

><p>It was one hell of a day. First, the constructicons barged in drunk asking for a car-sized watermelon and a shard of the All Spark, then Blitzwing came in because his face was stuck in mid turn. Starscream came in shortly after because Megatron ripped off his limbs and commanded the whole Decepticon crew play Chaarball (a Decepticon sport) with it, followed later by Soundwave who came crawling to him after being reduced to a cassette by the Autobots, again. It never seized to amaze Shockwave as to how many ridiculous problems those "loyal, tough and menacing Decepticons" had.<p>

Now, sitting at the console, he was taking a break from all these absurdities, resting up for his date with …

"Lord Megatron!" Shockwave nearly fell from the chair when he suddenly noticed the Decepticon leader standing in the door way, "Wh-to what do I owe the pleasure, my liege?"

Megatron came closer and pointed at his neck.

"Understood, Lord Megatron, I will immediately begin your examination. If you have anything to say you can write it down on this tablet." Shockwave said as he grabbed some tools. "Please, make yourself comfortable on the berth, my liege."

Megatron took the tablet and sat on the berth. Shockwave couldn't help but notice something weird about the mech. Pretending to think what tools he should use, the ACMO took a more attentive look and found himself a little disturbed and very concerned. The great Decepticon leader's hands were trembling just a bit and his facial plates arranged in a pattern that Shockwave never thought possible to exist in Megatron's data banks.

"What in the name of the All-Spark is going on?" the Decepticon asked himself. After a few more astroseconds of standing there, he finally snapped out of it and begun the examination.

"Do your sensors register any pain, my liege? When you move or anything?"

Megatron shook his head.

"Hm, curious. I do not see any damage to your vocal box. If you would please lie down, my liege. I will be taking a closer look."

Taking his time, examining every nanometer as closely as he could, Shockwave couldn't help but wonder as to what was going on.

"I guess this is more important than my date tonight," the mech thought.

"Seems like someone has tampered with your circuitry."

Upon hearing this, the leader wrote down on the tablet: "Find out who."

"As you wish, Lord Megatron." The Decepticon put aside his tools, and using his claws to do the rest of the work, he performed a number of diagnostics and a registry check. Whoever did this was quite professional -they left barely any traces behind- but Shockwave was better.

"Soon my teal troublemaking seeker... I just have to take care of this first!" Shockwave thought.

"WHAT?" the ACMO yelled out and thought to himself, "but his limbs are torn off! And the others are playing Chaarball with his head!"

"My liege! Allow me to make sure I have the culprit!" Shockwave double-checked, triple-checked; launched another search, but all gave him the same answer.

"Starscream," the mech said.

And then something happened that Shockwave could have never imagined in his entire life.

With a really high pitched voice -that strongly reminded the ACMO of the time when Blitzwing made everyone watch a fleshing film about some Earth male and a bunch of humanoid chipmunks- the great and malevolent Decepticon leader, feared by everyone across the universe for his cruelty, yelled out, "WHAT?".

Quickly realizing what happened, Megatron covered his mouth with both his servos but it was too late; the damage was done.

"L-l … wh-wha … L-lor … a-aaaa … w-wh … eeehh …" Shockwave's lone optic widened so much that it was now half of his face, "b-b-bu … uuu … l-l-l ... M-meg … HUH?"

"FIX THIS! NOW! I WILL OBLITERATE THAT OFFSPRING OF A MECH-HARLOT! BY THE ALL SPARK!"

Still frozen in shock, the mech didn't budge, not that he could. The world as Shockwave knew it, crashed, burned and shattered into trillions of pieces.

* * *

><p>P.S. Starscream … how could you …<p>

P.P.S. No …. Shockwave didn't make it for his date … instead he made it to a mental asylum on Chaar … … for quite sometime … but his date visited him ^^ … did you get who it was?

P.P.P.S. Shockwave was unable to finish his work. Megatron ran out of the medbay, screaming and swearing in that voice still, he killed Starscream hundreds of times. So, yes, everybody else heard his voice.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes<span>**

**Well, there you have it! Getting closer to the finish line! Except we are not! Why? Because you STILL have not yet checked out C.M.D.'s part of this series! How can you do this to her? HOW? You people should be ashamed of yourselves! If not for the series than for dozens of other works you must check her out!**

**Why are you going to check her out? The answer is easy: a tactical nuclear warhead does not need precision and I know where all you people live! MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing, a big hug!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sentinel**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... eventually the "party" finished and we all went home. For the next few days I have been writing one appointment after another, the series has been unofficially named "Doctor's Appointments". Every day I came up with an appointment, got most of them done within the two weeks time and then I stumbled upon an obstacle - I ran out of ideas for this series. Both saddened and happy, I went to write other fics. C.M.D. on the other hand started writing them much, much later because she was writing Kittycon stuff (it got so ridiculously cuteiliciously bombastically cute and awesome that we both got carried away a little). However we never forgot about our sacred duty, finishing the series and posting it online, WE ALWAYS REMEMBERED!**

* * *

><p>Amongst the many duties of a CMO, Ratchet also had to, just like everyone else, patrol the city. After a few cycles of driving around the city filled with drivers that fail so bad, it made the medic wonder who let these people drive in the first place. It was never a pleasant experience and the stupid pedestrians J-walking only made Ratchet angrier with the humans.<p>

"They have rules but why won't they slagging follow them! By the All-Spark! How can they be so irresponsible! Ok fine, I should have locked the door so that Bumblebee wouldn't walk in on me, Jetfire and Jetstorm but that was just that one time. ONE time."

Still grumping to himself, Ratchet, with relief, noticed that it was already midnight.

"Good, one more hour and then home for recharge! Hm, this was quite uneventful," the doc smiled, "Just the way I like it."

Making the turn for the final street he had to patrol, the doc maneuvered into a narrow space between some buildings, moving around the garbage cans and thrown out furniture.

"Let's see. Garbage, garbage, oh that is a nice couch, garbage, TV, garbage, Sentinel Prime painted pink and dressed in a tutu, garbage, a bunch of chairs, more gar…," the CMO stopped, "… wait, WHAT?"

Ratchet transformed, turned in his headlights up and walked back to where he thought he saw Sentinel.

"No, it couldn't have been! My optic sensors must be glitching," the medbot widened his optics the more he thought about what he thought he saw. He couldn't help but be amused by it; the arrogant bot would finally be humiliated for all the slag that he gave them the whole time if it was true.

Looking around for over a minute, Ratchet almost decided to give up when he heard loud clanging noises and wood breaking. Rushing to the source of the disturbance, the CMO shone his lights there and froze, with his optics so wide the sensors almost popped out and his jaw lower than it should have been possible for his mold.

"What the …"

There he was, Sentinel, a Prime of the Autobot Forces, the most likely mech to become the next Magnus and the single biggest pain in the aft to ever exist in the whole universe; tied up in something that reminded Ratchet of candy cane, wearing a tutu, partially painted pink with rainbows on the sides topped off by long, rich, golden locks of hair stuck to his helm and lipstick drawn on his massive shoulders in a squiggly 'I am a naughty robot' message.

"Hi."

"Uh … um … eh … uh …"

"Ratchet, buddy! Mind helping me out?"

The CMO wasn't listening; he was trying to process what he saw in front of him. He didn't know whether he should have been laughing from the sheer humiliation of the Prime or crying for the future of the Autobots.

"I will put in a good word for you back on Cybertron and award you with lots of medals if you help out your good old friend Sentinel!"

Slowly coming back to his senses, Ratchet slapped himself a few times to make sure that it was not a dream. Thinking that he may have overloaded his humor programming, or whatever was left of it, he looked back at Sentinel.

"Um, Sentinel, what the slag happened here?"

"Sentinel Prime, let's not forget my rank and I was attacked."

"By Professor Princ…"

"I was attacked by Megatron. This is just a way to bring me down in the eyes o the Autobots so let's keep this as a little secret between you and me. For old times' sake?"

"Bullslag," Ratchet thought, "Megatron would have offlined you a million times by now. Wonder how Professor Princess managed to do this. Oh, never mind, Sentinel is an idiot, that's how. If only I took my camera with me …"

Suddenly, Ratchet caught a red light from the corner of his optic sensor. Looking in that direction, he noticed a human made camera on a nearly destroyed table, pointing at Sentinel and recording everything. He also noticed a tag saying "Property of Detroit University: Arts and Theatre Department. If found please return to Steven Shliemberg, head of Filming department".

"No … slagging … way …"

"You promise not to record anything you saw here?"

"Oh," it took Ratchet all his willpower to restrain his grin, "I promise I won't."

* * *

><p>"Another morning, another day to …"<p>

"Sentinel Prime."

"Yes, Ultra Magnus?"

"Would you mind explaining to me how you were beaten by an organic known as Professor Princess?"

"What? Did Ratchet tell you?"

"No, a video was submitted anonymously into the Communications Network and broadcasted all over the galaxy."

"IT WHAT?"

* * *

><p>P.S. All the Autobots saw that …<p>

P.P.S. … and the Decepticons too …

P.P.P.S. … and Ratchet uploaded it to the Internet too

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Holy *bleep*ing Optimus! What the *bleep* was that? Another *bleep*ing appointment? Starscream *bleep*ing awesome! Why don't you *bleep*s all just read that *bleep*ing *bleep* all *bleep*ing over again? Yeah, *bleep*s, you *bleep*ing like that? Oh, *bleep*, you *bleep*ers just *bleep*ing dig this *bleep* up! Aint this fan*bleep*ingtastic? Y'all *bleep*ers know that you *bleep*ing want more! Than why you *bleep*ing reading this? GET YOUR *BLEEP* OFF YOUR *BLEEP*ING CHARI AND *BLEEP*ING CLICK ON THE *BLEEP*ING NEXT *BLEEP*ING PAGE! **

**What do you do with the text above? Easy! Instead of *bleep* insert words like *pancake* or *glomp* or *DAEM* or *mayonaise* or whatever comes to mind really.**

***bleep*ing thanks to C.M.D. for *bleep*ing reviewing and editing this *bleep*! Thank you~**


	10. Chapter 10

**_Soundwave_**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword<span>**

**Eventually C.M.D. began writing them, we laughed, I cried a little bit from both sadness and happiness. Then it randomly turned out that I still had a few appointments to write. It took me a while to start writing them again, I was stuck on Megatron's appointment. Why? Easy! Because the squeaky voice given to The Decepticon leader that instilled fear into everybody's hearts form mentioning of his faction alone was pretty much a stolen cherry on top of an energon-y sundae. Eventually, after a few weeks, I got off my ass, sat down and wrote the rest of the appointments assigned to me one by one over the period of a few weeks until Rumble and Frenzy ...**

* * *

><p>Looking at the clock, Shockwave found himself quite satisfied with the way this long day had went. He managed to check the seekers all at once, found someone of interest in the process, and Lugnut's appointment was pleasing to say the least; the bomber had no idea he was infected with a virus. The acting CMO sat down at one of the consoles and began typing up the last few reports.<p>

"… it's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday …"

Shockwave slowly raised his head and with a lone, widening eye, he looked at the door leading out into the hallway.

"What is …"

"… partyin' partyin', yeah, fun, fun, fun, fun …"

"What the …" the ACMO got up from his seat and began walking towards the door to see where the horrendous sounds were coming from when suddenly Soundwave barged in, optics leaking with coolant down his faceguard and dancing something to the rhythm.

"… kickin' in the front seat, kickin' in the back seat …"

"Soundwave, what has happened to you?"

"… yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, today it i-is Friday, partyin' …" The communications officer was desperately trying to convey the information but instead kept belting out the abyssal vibrations that the two had the displeasure of hearing.

"Here, take a tablet and write down what happened."

Soundwave took the device and began writing. Shockwave saw the mech write out a few words before his patient froze and dropped the tablet. The chief medical officer picked it up and saw 'It's Friday, Friday'.

"By the All-Spark! Soundwave, lie down."

"… Vi undrar är ni redo att vara med, Armarna upp, nu ska ni få se, Kom igen, Vem som helst kan vara med …" The CO couldn't control his voice and now he completely lost control over his body as it began dancing Caramelldansen.

Shockwave decided to take matters into his own hands. He put down the tablet and tried using his extending arms to restrain the poor mech but was quite rudely interrupted.

"… we're the Russian dancing men, oh yes we're Russian dancing men …" With the new song, Soundwave danced the Russian folk dance, effectively kicking Shockwave off his feet and onto the consoles before kicking them off their hinges and destroying the wall to the storage room.

"… I love to be annoyed by you, no one else can annoy me like you …"

Shockwave, with grunts and curses slowly got up, and tried restraining the officer again but he found it impossible to do.

"… it's peanut butter jelly time, it's peanut butter jelly time …" Came out of the dark storage room as things fell, clicking and clanging, making unbearable noise that for a few seconds even overshadowed the stupid organics' music.

"I am demanding a pay raise."

"… baby we ain't nothing but mammals …"

"This has to stop, NOW!" Shockwave yelled out so fiercely, his one optic sensor projecting so much rage and his very being releasing a wave of killing intent that Soundwave froze in the middle of a back flip.

"What the …"

Soundwave fell out of the darkness of the storage room back into medbay, all covered in random medical equipment and something weird looking on his head.

"Is that a ..." Shockwave took a minute to make sure that it was what he thought it was, "… a Mexican sombrero?"

"… la cucaracha, la cucaracha, ya no puede caminar ..." The mech began dancing on the floor.

"Where did you get it fro… no matter," the Decepticon said, as he wrapped his servos around Soundwave, putting him on the berth and using the restraints, "Now, to treat you."

It was a virus; Shockwave already knew that but was greatly confused as to what kind of a virus. Upon further investigation, with relief, he found out that it was not the same virus that Lugnut had.

"… saaaaaatisfaction, came in a chain reaction …"

Satisfaction was indeed what the CMO was going to feel once this was all over and he would be able to enjoy his evening with a certain teal Decepticon.

"… and darlin', darling, stand by me, oh stand by me …"

Maybe it was a little too early for things like that between the two of them; they just started dating and all.

"… something evil's is watching over you, coming from the sky above …"

Shockwave stopped paying attention to the fleshlings' songs as he thought that he was getting closer to deleting the virus completely from the CO's processor.

"… dare, dare to believe your dreams will survive …"

"There! Virus successfully removed!"

"Allow me to thank you," Soundwave replied, in his normal, metallic voice.

"No need, I was simply doing my job. However, do tell me how you of all Decepticons got infected with such a virus?"

"Question: is doctor-patient confidentiality assured?"

"Indeed, I simply wish for nothing like …," Shockwave stopped for a second, trying to find the correct words but could come up with nothing better than, "… this, ever happens again."

"Answer: Soundwave attempted to break into Autobot mainframe on Earth. End result: virus. Acquisition: Sari Sumdac wrote the virus as a defense mechanism."

"Hm, indeed. All right, off you go."

Soundwave nodded and left the medbay. The CMO could feel the mech smiling, happy that it was all over with.

"Now, let us see what he was really looking at."

Shockwave sat down at the only working console and uploaded the information, looked through it and finally found a link to the World Wide Web.

"Interesting, a virus off a human web site? Let's see. Connecting. Connection established. Hm, curious title, _Two Girls One Cup_ …"

* * *

><p>"Shockwave!" Megatron walked into the medbay with an angry look on his faceplates, "Why have you not reported? Shockwave?"<p>

It took Megatron a moment to notice his most loyal follower sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, servos wrapped tightly around his knees; with his lone eye wider than the Decepticon leader ever saw it, and repeating one thing over and over again.

"… make it stop, make it stop, make it stop …"

"Shockwave," Megatron asked and looked at the monitor, "Is something wro…"

* * *

><p>P.S. All humanity has to do to defeat aliens is just show them a few videos like this … I swear they will be just too disturbed and mentally scarred to attack.<p>

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Yes, another appointment, what you gonna do 'bout it, huh? Thaz righ', you can't do slag 'bout it! Well, you can stop laughing, start feeling bad for poor Shockwave and Ratchet and keep on reading how they are tortured by C.M.D. and me! You know you can't get 'nough of this slagtastically awesometastic appointments! Don' forget to check the rest of them on Crescent-Moon-Demon's profile, the slaggariffic link is in my slagtacular profile!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	11. Chapter 11

_**Grimlock**_

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><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... randomly crawled into my imagination and began screwing around in there. I was very afraid for their well-being, C.M.D. and Kittycon Tracks would have murdered me on the spot if something was to happen to the two kids. However, everything went fine! Actually, better than fine! Rumble and Frenzy crawled out, tired as hell, looking like hell, C.M.D. and their mother were about to beat the ever-slagging slag out of me when they saw what the two were carrying. It made them nearly die from laughter. Don't believe me? Ask C.M.D. about Little Tragedies, she'll tell you ...**

* * *

><p>"Bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaa!" A dreadful cry cut through the peaceful silence of the Autobot headquarters, disturbing all nearby tenants.<p>

"What the …" Ratchet lift up his helm at the sound and looked to the door leading out into the hallway, "Damn youngbots, what the slag is wrong this time? Aren't they supposed to be on patrol?"

Putting aside his tools, the medbot got up, walked to the door when he suddenly noticed a huge cloth in the corner covering something.

"What's this? I don't remember putting that …"

Unfortunately, Ratchet didn't get to see what was under the cover because at that moment a huge mass suddenly broke through the door, destroying nearly half of the wall and knocking the CMO across the room. The medic stopped only after he crashed into the table, splitting it in two. Recovering from the unexpected assault, Ratchet looked up at who was so stupid to piss the docbot off, and dropped his jaw in shock once he saw who the trouble maker.

"G-G-Grimlock! What the slag?"

"Me, Grimlock hurt! Me, Grimlock come to you to fix Grimlock!"

"Wh-wh-what? Um, ok," Ratchet stopped for a second to think about the situation. He was quite scared of the huge dinobot; the stupid mech could offline him in a matter of seconds so the medic did not want to aggravate him. After all, the large oaf had already destroyed an entire wall since arriving.

"All right, what seems to be the problem?"

"Me Grimlock hurt! Grimlock can't bare pain any more!"

"Pain where?"

"Me Grimlock not know!"

"Um," desperately trying not to explode or facepalm, Ratchet grabbed some tools and said, "Come lie down on the berth, I will take a look."

"You, Ratchet fix Grimlock!"

"Yes, Ratchet fix Grimlock, now hold still," the CMO offlined his vocal circuits to say all he wanted without the dinobot hearing him, venting into the air, "When am I supposed to make a new body for Blurr? No thanks to those meddling youngbots I had to restart it 4 times already and now this guy barges in here, breaks down the door and the whole wall with it …"

"Um," the mech currently being cursed turned his helm and looked around the room, "Me, Grimlock sorry for destroying room. Me, Grimlock help clean up later."

Widening his optics, Ratchet stared at the dinobot for almost a minute.

"Eh, Grimlock, mind telling me more about this pain of yours?"

"Grimlock not know."

"All right, when did it begin?"

"Me, Grimlock think it begin when liquid man hurt dinobots."

"Meltdown did hurt you a lot."

"Grimlock hurt thinking."

"Oh, I bet," Ratchet thought.

"Me, Grimlock hurt thinking about it," the dinobot turned to his side, facing away from the medic as he reached out for the huge piece of cloth and closely brought it to his face whipping coolant leaking from his optic sensors, "He hurt me! Leader!"

"Um, Grimlock, I need that …" Ratchet looked in the general direction where Grimlock seemed to have taken the giant cloth, "… back …"

As a medical professional, you are trained for hundreds of decacycles to expect certain problems in the battle field, wound types, the kind of emergencies, so on and so forth but you are never trained to expect the unexpected. Ratchet lost his ability to speak for a few astroseconds and again, widened his optics when he saw the two embarrassed, smiling faces of the jettwins.

"Jetfire! Jetstorm! What the slag are you two doing here?"

"Surprise?"

"WHAT? YOU! ME GRIMLOCK BEAT TWO FLYBOTS! GRIMLOCK SHOW WHO LEADER!"

"Brother! Run away now time!"

"Go let's!"

The twins transformed and flew away through the giant crack in the wall. Ratchet, pushed off to the side by Grimlock retained his balance as the dinobot made a few more steps, stopped at the rubble of the wall and finally broke down crying.

"Eh, Grimlock? You crying?"

"Me, Grimlock not cry!" the mech said as he transformed and scrunched himself into a ball, "You, medbot cry! Me, Grimlock, leader!"

"Em," the CMO had no idea what the hell to do but every time Sari was crying they gave her some treats and she slowly calmed down. Thinking that he could use that same strategy, the medbot took out a box of energon goodies that Bumblebee and the little girl had made some time ago, "Would you like some energon goodies?"

"_Speaking of which, I will need to take care of those two dorks later. A little warning would have been nice._"

Grimlock wasn't listening, not that he could, his cries thundered and echoed through the whole base.

"Um," the mech slowly approached the dinobot, sat down next to him and hesitantly began petting the huge robot dinosaur, "You want to talk about it, Grimlock?"

"It why she leave."

"What?'

"This why Spider Lady leave Grimlock! Grimlock no leader! Grimlock weak!," the Autobot said as he began began bawling like a baby.

Oh, Blackarachnia. Ratchet remembered Optimus mentioning that the dinobot had a major crush on her.

"Me, Grimlock try to bash brain of pain but pain not go away."

"So you came to me to make the pain go away. Okay, let's talk about it. What about Spider Lady?"

"She leave! Me, Grimlock like her a lot and she leave Grimlock!"

"Uh-huh, how does that make you feel?"

"Make me, Grimlock feel bad. Make me, Grimlock feel sad. Grimlock not know how to say. Grimlock no want to do nothing, no walk, no eat, no roar, no lie down, no breathe."

"Right, go on," Ratchet was quite surprised with Grimlock expressing his feelings like this.

"Me, Grimlock not cry because can't for long time, no sleep, no nothing. Me, Grimlock empty. Grimlock give her presents like genetic thingy, liquid man, do things for Spider Lady and stuff but she leave Grimlock! Grimlock love her with all of spark! Grimlock do anything for Spider Lady!"

Poor dinobot, he fell for Blackarachnia, a Decepticon.

"Me Grimlock come to you, Ratchet, because you last hope. You smart, you help others."

"Eh, thank you, I guess?" As confused as Ratchet was, he couldn't help but get freaked out by the dinobot calling him by his actual name.

"You know what Grimlock give her for first day? Cave! Grimlock give cave to Spider Lady! Nice cave, no stupid nature. Then Grimlock get her bunny."

"You wha…"

"Then redbot come and try take Spider Lady away! He spread foam in Spider Lady face! Me, Grimlock maybe want to spread foam too!

"You are jealous of Optimus because he sprayed foam into her face?"

"Me, Grimlock bigger and stronger than foambot! Why Spider Lady look at him? Grimlock beat him many times!"

"Maybe it's …"

"Me, Grimlock want Spider Lady back! So bad! Grimlock miss her so much! Grimlock no want to live without Spider Lady!"

Ratchet didn't know how to react to this; psychology was not his line of expertise so he thought about the possible things he could say or do, and it really did not please the oldbot.

"Me Grimlock hurt! Ratchet fix Grimlock!"

"Kid, I am sorry, this is not something I can fix."

"What?"

"Hear me out! I can't help you, Grimlock. The only one who can help you is you."

"What?"

"Well, you see, Grimlock, you miss Spider Lady a lot, right?"

"Yes."

"She is perfect in your eyes."

"Yes."

"Grimlock, if you truly love her, you will let go of her."

"Me, Grimlock not understand."

"To tell ya the truth kid, neither do I," Ratchet hoped that the dinobot would somehow grasp the unfamiliar concept, but it wasn't working so the CMO decided to switch tactics, "But do you really think she would want to be with you if she saw you in this state? You want only the best for her, right?"

"Yes."

"Than be the best you can! The strongest, the best behavior, the best everything! The best, Grimlock, is you. You are the best. You are not some bozo."

"Hm. Me, Grimlock not think about it this way.

"_You can think?"_

"Yes! Grimlock best! Me, Grimlock leader! Me Grimlock no bozo, me king! Grimlock like docbot! Pain go away!"

It took Ratchet three weeks to fully recover from what happened next, both physically and emotionally, even with the help of the jettwins. The dinobot suddenly jumped the CMO, hugged the slag out of him so hard that his armor got bent all over, making all of his joints stick for days after; before drowning the medbot in kisses with his metallic jaw and leaving scratches all over the other mech's face. Running out of the building, still showering the poor ambulance with kisses, Ratchet was praying for a swift end. Finally Grimlock got it out of his system and sprinted back to Dinobot Island.

"What the slag did I do to deserve this? That's it, I am asking for a pay raise."

* * *

><p>"No Decepticon scum today! Woohoo! Let's go play 'Ninja Gladiators 2: Revenge of the Dread Badger'! Prowl, Bulkhead, you guys? Sari and me are gonna need two more players."<p>

"Bumblebe how many times do I have to tell you that …"

"Um, guys? Why is Grimlock running out of our headquarters, hugging and kissing Ratchet?"

"This is so going on Facebook."

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Tee hee hee! Oui Oui! Si si! Хи хи хи! Let's see, what other languages do I know ... eh ... nothing comes to mind ...**

**In any case! There you have it! What do you think? Option 1 - it was awesome! Option 2 - it was awesome! Secret Option 3 - post a review! Obligatory Option 4 - go to C.M.D.'s profile and check out her part of the series! Yes ... obligatory option ... they exist! Here is a little tip! You can choose all four options at the same time! Or! You can mix and match! Yay! Isn't it wonderful? Do I have to give you the options on this one?**

**Thanks to C.M.D. (*hug*) for reviewing and editing.**


	12. Chapter 12

**_Grimlock: Jettwins' Surprise_**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... and she will hopefully tell you some really nice stuff about it. In any case, shortly after C.M.D. reviewed Grimlock's appointment, we started talking about why the Jettwins were there because even though I wrote it, it was as much of a mystery to me as to her. After a while talking about it and me basing my knowledge of the Jettwins on C.M.D.'s fanfics (which is actually more accurate than you think. She pretty much mastered the two characters ...) and their relation to Ratchet, I dared postulate a guess that the two fliers came to surprise their beloved mech. And so I wrote this! After a while I wrote the next appointment ...**

* * *

><p>Best part of the day was the end of the shift: you finally got to kick back, relax, recharge, play some video games or just chat while enjoying a cup of energon. The twins loved doing all of the above, but they never really had anyone to talk to because Jazz's shift began once theirs was over and Sentinel Prime was just impossible, so they really only had one another. It wasn't bad or anything but they barely ever got the chance to meet anybody and make new friends.<p>

"Brother! Out found now just that we be nearing Earth!" Jetstorm walked into their room after bumping into their cyberninja friend.

"We see Ratchet get!" Jetfire sprung from his seat, completely forgetting about Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Um," Jetstorm lowered his head and grabbed his arm by the shoulder as a blush came to the Autobot's face, "Wrong do him on last visit our."

"Oh," Jetfire too remembered their last visit, where they accused Ratchet of cheating on them with Wreck-Gar, "We indeed do."

Even though all was forgiven and explained, it still made the jettwins feel really bad for what they did.

"I know can what we do!"

"What?"

"We goodies make! Mmmm, as Prime Sentinel says 'energon-y'! You think what?"

"Great! I make can clay cup!"

* * *

><p>"You sure good idea was this?"<p>

"It better is than tubeyou video 'Gonna Give up you never' with pictures ours. Have you the goodies and cup, brother?"

"In my storage compartment, yes."

They successfully sneaked inside the Autobot's base, but making their way undetected in Ratchet's medbay was equivalent to a Decepticon going out in the open on Cybertron, especially if he had patients. However this time it was easy – the docbot was working on a new body for Blurr and it was obviously a bad moment to disturb their beloved so they decided to wait.

"Right moment need we!"

"Here, self cover hide to!" Jetfire took out a huge cloth out of his subspace and handed one of the ends to his brother as they quickly covered themselves. A few minutes into a quiet discussion later, their thoughts were interrupted by a loud cry.

"Bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaa!"

"What the … damn youngbots, what the slag is wrong this time? Aren't they supposed to be on patrol? What's this? I don't remember putting that …"

The two were saved by Grimlock annihilating the whole wall.

"Botdino it be!"

"One that we beat?"

"Yes. Oh! For appointment come he!"

"Spider Lady hurt Lockgrim bad!"

"Ratchet we hurt too!"

They have made their resolve; they would make it up to Ratchet in full and at least try to talk to Bumblebee.

"Me, Grimlock hurt thinking about it," the dinobot turned to his side, facing away from the medic as he reached out for the huge piece of cloth that the two were hiding under and closely brought it to his face; wiping away the coolant leaking from his optic sensors, "He hurt me! Leader!"

"_DAMN!_"

"Um, Grimlock, I need that … back … Jetfire! Jetstorm! What the slag are you two doing here?"

"Surprise?"

It wasn't going as planned at all; they were hoping for things to come down very differently. Still hoping to recover somehow from the situation, Jetstorm opened his storage compartment to give Ratchet their presents but he "Lockgrim" made it impossible:

"WHAT? YOU! ME GRIMLOCK BEAT TWO FLYBOTS! GRIMLOCK SHOW WHO LEADER!"

"Brother! Run away now time!"

"Go let's!"

There was no hope at all now but at least they did make it a surprise... just not the kind they were aiming for. They transformed and cheese it out of there as fast as they could, escaping from the raging dinobot.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, thinking about how to make it up to the doctor this time, Jetfire proposed their next move:

"To Beebumble we now go talk?"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Just a side note, Grimlock's appointment happened after Bumblebee's. Seriously! Go freaking read her side of the story! It is called a series for a reason you know! In order to get the full picture you WILL HAVE TO read her part too! Trust me, I read her appointments, they are really slagging great. Don't believe me? Well, why don't you check them out for yourself then? Wait, what? Can't be bothered? Too lazy? Boy/girl, I know where the hell you approximately live, just remember, tactical nuclear cotton candy does not need precision! If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it at the very least for the rest of the Transformers from TFA we decided to write about! Have you no compassion for them? Well, I don't (except for Shockwave) but we are not talking about me, we, are, talking, about, Y-O-U! By the way, wait, hold on, lean into the monitor. Oh, come on! Just do it! I am not gonna jump out and bite you! That's Swindle's Ick-Yak's job! And he is already in your washroom! Just lean in! A liiiiitle closer ... did anybody tell you what beautiful eyes you have? Well I am telling you!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. and her captivating, yaoi seeking eyes for reviewing and editing!**


	13. Chapter 13

**_Cyclonus_**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**... which is this one! I honestly didn't know what to write so I just winged it. Turned out rather, um, interesting. I honestly did not expect anybody to laugh at that but C.M.D. did, which surprised the hell out of me. Is it just me or everybody thinks that their fanfics are crap when they first write them? Or is it just the people with low self esteem? Or both? I don't get it! C.M.D. keeps saying that some of her stuff is just plain out stupid (paraphrasing of course) but come on, we all know that is not the case! Help me convince her that her stuff is actually good! In any case, then i got stuck for a very long time on Blitzwing's ...**

* * *

><p>"Curious design."<p>

"Will you stop looking at this pile of disassembled junk and …"

"Assemble me at once!"

Sliptstream didn't visit Shockwave much during his working hours for a very good reason – every time she walked into medbay there was always something weird or just disturbing going on. This time was no different. Blitzwing and Lugnut walked in with a huge bag of disassembled parts: arms, legs, torso and a very annoying head that was now so rudely speaking to her.

"Can't you call it a night?"

"I am sorry Slipstream but Megatron has ordered me to reassemble this one and study its design. I will work as fast as I can, I promise."

"You would work faster if she was not here."

"And he would be enjoying his time off if you weren't here, conehead."

"I am Cyclonus! You dare to call yourself a Dece…"

"All right, chill, Conehead. Hm, maybe I could empty the inside and make a half decent cup for myself."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Shooooockwaaaaaaave, sweeeeeeeety, can I …"

"There is no way you can allow this!"

"Hm," the CMO looked at the two and then said, "Lord Megatron did not give me instructions on what to do next so after I assemble him, perhaps, I could take him apart and …"

"WHAT?"

"Oh, Shockwave, you are so …"

"Arrant! I will not allow myself to be subjugated to such treatment!"

"Listen," the Decepticon took Cyclonus' head in his arms, brought it close to his face with a malevolent glint in his optic, slightly scaring the damaged transformer, "At this point in time, you constitute nothing more than a dreadful job for me to do when I can be doing much important things …"

Slipstream felt a slight blush overcome her facial plates.

"… so if you would be so kind to keep your vocal circuits muted, this already exasperating process would be at least a quarter done already. Your other only option is me putting you offline. Do we have an understanding?"

"Temporary offline? Oh, Shockwave, you are so imaginative! It certainly beats Chaarball!"

"Understood, I will keep quiet."

"Of course unless I ask you questions, that is the only time you are allowed to speak."

"Can we use your helmet as a pop-coil bowl? Pleeeeease?"

"No."

"Cyclonus, would you be so kind to tell me when you were made and who designed you?"

"Ga… I cannot tell."

"May I inquire as to why not?"

"Ga, Ga, I think I met a Gaga back on Earth. Oh, no, wait, sorry, that's Lady Gaga. By the All-Spark what is wrong with humans? Oh! Sorry, go on."

"You listen to organic's compositions?"

"Never again."

"Indeed."

"Huh? What do you know about their scrap?"

"It became a form of torture."

"Really? When?"

"Some time."

"You …"

"I have completed the scans. Now, let us assemble you."

In silence, as Shockwave was welding together the warrior, Slipstream slowly walked around the room, looking at what the CMO had in his drawers. Turns out, the contents were a lot more interesting than she originally thought. There were Megatron's vocal circuits which brought back quite an interesting memory, an endoscope, a piece of Soundwave's armor, a bottle of …

"Hm, this should be interesting," the seeker whispered, carefully sneaking the bottle out of the drawer not to alert the medic.

"Slipstream, would you be so kind to help me?"

"Oh, sure Shockwave! What do you need me to do?"

"Could you fill up these tanks," the Decepticon showed the seeker a number of empty tanks inside of Cyclonnus' torso, "One, two, three and four with joint liquid? The bottles should be in the drawer you were just standing next to."

"Ok! Be right back!" Slipstream turned around to come to the drawers again and couldn't help but grin widely. Oh yes, she would fill up those tanks. As she was pouring the liquid, the seeker equally divided the contents of the bottle she stole in all 4 containers.

"All done here!"

"All right, now this part goes over here, just a little support here and this goes inside here and we are done! Try to move."

"This is perfect assemblage. I will report to Lord Ga… Lord Megatron at once!"

"Aw, we didn't get to use your arms as pooper-scoopers. Go ahead! Report to Lady Gaga!"

Completely ignoring the fembot, Cyclonus marched out of medbay to see the Decepticon Leader. Slipstream grabbed Shockwave by his servo and began dragging him out in the hall.

"What trouble will you cause this time?"

"Me? Trouble? Whatever you are talking about?"

"Indeed?"

"Say, Shockwave, how often does his joint liquid change takes place?"

"Every cycle, why?"

"No reason. Ready for our date?" Slipstream asked her partner, hiding a bottle with the marker 'frictionless' on its side.

* * *

><p>"… this is all I can say, Megatron."<p>

"I see. Well, I am not foolish enough to deny another powerful soldier such as yourself to join my ranks so you are welcome to stay with us."

"Indeed I shall," Cyclonus raised his hand, "All hail Galva… Megatro…"

Both mechs looked at his arm as it continued to spin at the joint.

"I can't stop it! Ah! My helm!"

Cyclonus tried to stop his helm from spinning but he only found it to be detrimental to his state, because not only did it begin to rotate faster, his servos and legs -his whole body!- started to spin wildly as well. It was like watching a huge purple amoeba screaming, cursing and writhing uncontrollably on the floor.

"We shall use you as a distraction."

"CURSES!"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Curses indeed! The next one shall be the last in my part of the series! Go look up the rest of the series AND the spectacular ending on C.M.D.'s page! Link in my profile. Beware! For the ending will be ...**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reading, reviewing, editing, laughing, talking, breathing, etc etc etc.**


	14. Chapter 14

**_Blitzwing_**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**... appointment. I mean, you would assume that for his character one would be able to come up with a million funny things. I was stuck for weeks. Finally, I decided to force myself and this came out. C.M.D. reviewed it and edited it. Now, the only thing that had to be done was posting it. Except that it wasn't the only thing we had to do! We had to figure out the sequences, we had to come up with an actual name, we had to write "Author's Foreword" and "Author's Notes" sections for each. It is 11 : 25 and I am writing this last bit! In any case, we met up at the library, figured it all out and there you have it, denizens of ! This is the last part that I wrote for the series, the rest is on C.M.D.'s page, go there and finish reading the series if you still have not done so. DO IT FOR YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT! DO IT! DO IT! OR I WILL ATTEMPT TO COMPLIMENT YOU AGAIN!**

* * *

><p>"The day is almost over." Shockwave sat at his desk, resting his helm on his cupped servos.<p>

It was hell today. First, Lugnut again tried establishing a church based on Megatron -twice- then Skywarp came crashing through the wall during his terrified fleeing; screeching in fear and crashing through the opposite wall as he finally took notice of Shockwave.

"Unbelievable …"

After that, the Constructicons were dragged in: eyes wide open, twitchy as hell and screaming uncontrollably, paranoid of everyone; claiming that others wanted to sacrifice them to petro rabbit babies. Shockwave wondered what substance Slipstream used to spike their oil with. Cyclonus came during the break, screaming like an Earth fangirl at everything the Acting Medical Officer did.

"… most disturbing …"

Soundwave followed shortly with a "little" problem.

"An Autobot? Really?"

Starscream was taken apart and put back together most crudely. Shockwave was a little ashamed to admit that he enjoyed watching the seeker crawl in with his limbs switched places and his head glued to his aft. Unfortunately, whatever fun there was completely went away when Megatron jumped into the medbay and started acting like an Earth chimp; leaping from one table to another, taking the endoscope and chewing on it.

"… the day is almost over, the day is almost over …"

"_Come on everyone! Sing along! Tvinkle tvinkle little star …_"

With his lone optic sensor widening, Shockwave looked at the door with a nasty chill crawling up his spine.

"**Cease your useless singing! I vill shoot you vith a spar!**"

"Hothead! That made no sense! Relax! Medbay is not too far!"

"Oh, dear, Lord Megatron, why him? WHY HIM?" Shockwave was praying that he would be able to survive the day without any more mental scarring.

"_… the feeling of Christmas is in the air! Let's break dance! AHAHAHAAHAHA!_"

Hectically running around the room, seeing where he could hide, the Acting Medical Officer was getting more desperate by the astrosecond. Shockwave was in no state to take on any more crazy today.

"**Stop your blabbering or be obliterated!**"

"Ve are here!"

"I am too suave to be put in the mental asylum again!"

Upon hearing the door open, the Decepticon turned around and froze in place, hoping that he would not be noticed.

"_Have fear! Blitzving is here!_"

The door was blasted off and through the smoke waltzed in, dancing the macarena, the Decepticon triplechanger.

"_Glitter for everyone! HAHAHAHA!_"

Lowering his other cannon, Blitzwing shot a cloud of sparkling paper scraps, shiny enough to sear out the optic sensors of a blind bot, covering everything in the medbay and both mechs in glitter-y goodness.

"OW! MY EYES! THEY ARE …"

"**… THE SOURCE OF YOUR DOOM, SCRAPHEAP!**"

Hothead took over and shot a powerful L.A.Z.E.R. beam out of his eyes, igniting the whole room on fire along with all the equipment and Shockwave.

"Since when can you do that? AND HOW CAN THERE BE FIRE IN A VACUUM?" Shockwave finally found the fire extinguisher, dousing himself in foam first before putting out the flames in the room.

"Gentlemen! Stop! We are in medbay!" The triplechanger turned to his fellow Decepticon, grabbing another fire extinguisher and helping him put out the fire, "Shockwave, forgive me for …"

"**… bashing your face into …**"

"_… mine!_"

Random dropped the canister, grabbed the Medical Officer's helm and slammed their foreheads together suddenly. Both mechs fell to the floor, processors shaken from the unexpected and violent assault.

"_I see stars! HAHAHAHAHA!_"

"Oooooooh," Shockwave was seeing tiny Megatrons with wings floating around his head. Wishing it to be over as fast as possible, and knowing that it was useless to even think of issuing a complaint because it would all be brushed off as 'under affect of a medical condition', he slowly asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

Oh, he knew what the problem was. Blitzwing, having three personalities, was more than enough to have the medcon question the very reason for the triplechanger's existence but as much as Shockwave disliked him, the Decepticon was part of Lord Megatron's forces. He got rowdy at times but never to this extent; normally Blitzwing would be the one wishing to never encounter the spy.

"I don't know! I vas hoping you could tell me …"

"_… what are you doing tonight! I vas thinking ve could …_"

"**… blow up …**"

"_… Shockblast! TEE HEE HEE!_"

"Who the hell is Shockblast? On second thought, never mind."

Ice was the only one he could realistically uphold a conversation without being overwhelmed by the desire to transform and blow him out of the sky.

"**… silence! I vill now …**"

"_… have a little accident! Shockwave! Don't look!_"

"Oh, dear …" Shockwave turned around to one of the nearly destroyed cabinets to dig up some of his tools. He just wanted this to be over quickly, so the medcon decided to just power through it or if worst comes to worst – temporarily offline Blitzwing.

"_Are you looking?_"

"No."

"_Are you sure?_"

"Yes."

"_Are you looking now?_"

"No!"

"_Vell, I am looking at you!_"

A shiver and a feeling of disgust ran through the mech. It was going to take him long hours of deleting lots of lines of code to get over this "blitzy" experience, as Slipstream put it after meeting the triplechanger for the first time.

"**… dare to gaze upon me and I vill …**"

"_… smother you in marshmallows and love! Oh! You can look now!_"

"Oh, marvelous, wait, what is that?" Shockwave looked to where Random was pointing at something on the floor between his feet, "Is that a figurine of Lord Megatron?"

"_One and not only! TAKE IT! IT'S FOR YOU!_"

"Something is not right here," the medcon thought and after staring at Blitzwing for good five seconds, waiting for a reaction or a change of personality but seeing none, he cautiously reached out and brought it closer to his optic sensor to examine it closer. "Curious, the level of detail is commendable …"

The closer he brought the figurine to his face, the more that sinking feeling in his fuel tanks increased.

"No! Shockvave! Don't!"

"Huh? GHAAAA!"

The figurine in his servo suddenly exploded with some sort of a gaseous substance, quickly spreading through the whole room.

"AAAAACHOOOO!"

"AAACHOOO!"

"Where the – ACHOO – slag did you – CHOO – get …"

"**I made it out of …**"

"ACHOOO!"

"_… DANCE! AHAHAHAHAH-AAAAACHOOOOO!_"

Blitzwing sneezed so hard that his hand was not enough to restrain the fluid projectiles, some landing on Shockwave's face.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

He lost it -the always calm, calculating Decepticon under Megatron's command just lost it, completely. Screw Blitzwing! WHO THE HELL CARES? THIS HAD TO END!

Shockwave extended his arms, wrapping them around Blitzwing in as many layers as he could, before dangling him from the ceiling like an over-sized, metallic pinata. Not even giving thought to the consequence of his action, he ripped off the other mech's helmet and hit the triplechanger's helm with the closest lying object he could find, making it whirl really fast like a spinning top.

"_WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_"

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**"

"OH DEAR LORD MEGATRON!"

Shockwave was about to hit his comrade's helm again when Blitzwing began barfing; vomit flying everywhere, covering both mechs and the entire room.

The medcon stopped, finally getting some sort of control back.

"Wow, you two are having so much fun, all the bondage and body fluids! Maybe I want bondage too!"

Shockwave turned to see Slipstream, leaning on the wall.

"And hitting him with an endoscope! That is very hygienic! Don't use the endoscope when we do it …"

"AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!"

The medcon released Blitzwing from his hold, stretched his arms back and hit the Decepticon as hard as he could on the chest, making him fly across the room, into the hall, and then outside the ship.

"_WEEEEEEE!_"

"OH DEAR!"

"**I VILL DESTROOOOOOY YOOOOOUUUuuuuu…**"

"You got issues …" Lugnut peeked through one of the holes in the walls.

He couldn't take it anymore, he needed … he just wanted to fall down on the floor and cry … Being an Acting Chief Medical Officer for Lord Megatron's crew proved to be … impossible. This job was too much.

Leaning on the wall behind him, Shockwave slowly slid down and began bawling like a baby, grabbed Blitzwing's helmet and purged there.

"There, there," Slipstream approached her love interest, unwilling to touch him for obvious reasons, and covered him in a blanket, "Let's go get you cleaned up."

* * *

><p>P.S. Blitzwing was fixed … he just needed a good slam on the head a few times …<p>

P.P.S. Megatron was kind enough to give Shockwave time to recuperate …

P.P.P.S. Yup, that's what doctors have to face … not everyday … but a lot …

P.P.P.P.S. Shockwave began drinking after that day …

P.P.P.P.P.S. Blackarachnia watched how Slipstream cleaned up Shockwave … oh she was jealous … and yes … Slipstream enjoys a little bondage here and there … apparently … well, she is not against it …

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**I hope you enjoyed the series, please read the other part on Crescent-Moon-Demon's page and be sure to leave a review here and there too! What will happen if you don't? Easy! Swindle is right behind you, no joke! He is! Did you just turn around? Wow! Yeah, he is still behind you holding Ick-Yak babies eating radioactive cotton candy that ran out of the prison guarded by steroids on water-melons. You know what is coming next? Care to guess?**

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing, editing, moral support, etc. Couldn't have done it without you!**


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